I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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