Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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