i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
