i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
