Porn is love you can see.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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