Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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