Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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