Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
