Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
it's like iHOP with fire
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
