so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
