I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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