If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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