I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
