i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize