Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
