I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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