4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
