Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
