Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
