isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
