I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize