I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
