end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
