I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
