I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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