Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
