I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
