We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
