Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
