glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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