It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
