Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
