Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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