I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
