I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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