I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
