And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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