a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
