i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
