so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
