They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Fuck appropriateness.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
