Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize