the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
