kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
