i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
