I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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