Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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