May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
