So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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