Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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