On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
