It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
