yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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