the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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