wakey wakey hands off snakey
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
