um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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