Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
