Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All I want is dick and wine.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
