dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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