Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
