I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
